Later on in the day, the team took a visit to the local FOCUS Centre. FOCUS is short for Fellowship of Christian Unions, which is basically the national college fellowship of Kenya. Think the InterVarsity or AACF or Campus Crusade of Kenya. We met some of the staff of FOCUS and took some time getting to know what it's like to run numerous fellowships across an entire country.
That night, after our team time, I retreated to an empty hall to be by myself. For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a very critical, cynical, and angry person. This just happened to be one of those days when my sin was too much for me to bear. As I listened to my teammates share, sing worship songs, etc., my prideful heart was filled with anger towards them as I internally criticized what I perceived as wrong motivations and intentions. I almost felt like crying or punching a wall, because what kind of person deals with so much sin on a missions team as he's supposed to be worshiping God? I couldn't help but feel like the crappiest person in the room, and let me tell you what a horrible feeling that is. Some of you may think that I made a big deal out of a few stray thoughts, but my anger, bitterness, and resentment have been struggles I have had for years. So trust me when I say that this night was particularly difficult for me to handle my sin.
Missions trips aren't some idyllic wonderland where everyone is just straight up holy and righteous all of a sudden. Missions are just another place and circumstance where our insecurities manifest themselves in new ways, where Satan uses old and new tactics to own our hearts, and where we fail miserably. Thankfully, God's grace still covers all of these mistakes-even and especially while on missions.
After I spent some time praying, I found the guy I trusted most on the trip, Dylan, and talked to him about my struggles. It just felt so redeeming for me to be able to confess myself to my friend. I didn't necessarily go to sleep that night feeling all rosy and good about myself, but I did go to sleep realizing that it takes a particularly big God to be able to love EVERY SINGLE person in the world and EVERY SINGLE person's EVERY sin and struggle. So thank you God for loving me despite my sin. Whenever I fail-even on a missions trip-I know your grace and love cover me.
My place of solitude that night
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