Day 7: Wrestling with this Sinner's Heart

For some stupid, super naive reason, I thought I would be twice as holy, righteous, profound, and in tune with God in Kenya as I normally would be in my everyday life (which isn't saying much but that's not the point). I didn't think I would bring my normal struggles and sins with me to Kenya, 'cause when you're on missions, you are all holy and don't sin at all, right?

I remember that on this day, I came to the realization that not only would I have to deal with all my sinful habits and struggles, but I would have to deal with them in an entirely new environment. Here in Kenya, not only were my sins present, but they also manifested themselves in entirely new ways.

I remember sitting by myself and realizing that God would have to do an amazing work in me in order for me to be "mission-worthy." I felt so crappy that day, because I felt like God literally had to wrestle with my heart and all the deeply-seeded sins in it. If I was critical and cynical back at home, well, I was doubly so during the GP. If I was prideful and competitive before, well, I was just as so in Kenya, if not even more. Unfortunately, this was only the start of my struggles; my problems with being critical, cynical, and prideful would plague me throughout the 7 weeks...

Later that night, the team traveled to Nairobi to visit a Christian Union (CU) meeting, which is basically a college fellowship group. This was my first opportunity to see how Kenyan Christians my age expressed their faith. I sat in one of the front rows so I couldn't really see how the students there worshiped, but I remember that there was just this enthusiasm in the room. Maybe it was because they were hosting over 30 foreign visitors, but the students at the fellowship seemed so excited and energetic.

Anyway, this day was hard for me in that I really felt so unworthy and unfit to be on a missions team. I felt like I was the only person on the team struggling; I didn't know why God called me to go on missions when it was pretty clear I was not missionary-material; I still wasn't sure if I would really click with anyone on the team; it was just an overall really bad day. As you can tell from my previous entries, I wasn't having a very good first week in Kenya. But that's why there were 6 more weeks to go and that's more than enough time for God to show me what's up.